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Few transitions in life are as emotional and challenging as the role reversal between aging parents and adult children. Moms and dads begin by bathing, comforting and guiding their babies; decades later, those babies have grown up and often need to provide the same care to their parents.
The situation can be equally delicate for both generations. Adult children may want to be helpful, but it can be tough to know when and how to assist. Parents may struggle with losing independence, especially during major transitions, such as moving into an assisted living facility or making the decision to stop driving.
If you’re looking for ways to support your aging parent, here are a few recommendations for navigating those tough conversations and decisions.
Support your parent without overwhelming them.
While the aging process affects everyone in unique ways, most people experience both physical and mental changes. Adult children serving as caregivers play a vital role in helping their parents navigate these changes and ensuring they get the care they need to stay well.
That doesn’t mean you should overwhelm a parent with your presence and input, though. Allow them the space to come to terms with diminished independence. “People go through a lot of changes and losses as they age, and there’s a lot of grief that comes along with that,” says Aval-Na’ree Green, M.D., geriatric medicine physician on the medical staff at Baylor Scott & White Medical Center – Temple. “Know that grief is messy, and they may not be open to accepting the help you are trying to give. It’s not about you personally.”
As you begin to have a bigger responsibility in your parent’s life and care, it may be difficult to know when to intervene and when to let them make their own choices. Green advises prioritizing your involvement in areas that have the biggest impact, such as significant health or financial decisions. When you do step in, always offer your help with respect.
“It’s important to make sure your parent has enough assistance to be successful, but also that they stay independent in the things they can do,” shares Jennifer Heffernan, M.D., geriatric medicine physician and supportive palliative care physician on the medical staff at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas.
Ensure they get their annual wellness check.
Every senior adult should visit their primary care physician at least once a year for a wellness visit. By arranging the checkup (or reminding your parent to do so) and even accompanying them, you can support a proactive approach to help maintain good health. The Medicare Annual Wellness Visit is free of charge for people with Medicare Part B.
During the wellness visit, the doctor will go over a range of topics, such as:
- functional status (ability to perform daily tasks and activities)
- cognitive function (ability to think, learn and remember)
- medical and family history
- diet
- safety at home and as a driver
- risk factors for disease
- health indicators such as BMI and blood pressure
- important screenings
This visit is a key part of your parent’s wellness routine and may prevent serious issues in the years ahead.
“The biggest impact of what we do as geriatric physicians is often all of the things that don’t happen — the car accidents, the falls, the illnesses,” says Green. “Identifying issues earlier allows seniors to live a fuller life for longer.”
Adult children who are able to attend the visit can ask specific questions about their parent’s health and talk about behaviors they’ve noticed or how to prepare for any changes to come. If you cannot accompany your parent, reach out to their doctor with any questions or concerns.
With your parent’s consent, you can even request access to their important health information such as lab results through a patient portal, such as Baylor Scott & White Health’s MyBSWHealth app.
“If the parent gets sick, it makes it easier if their child has access and can communicate on their behalf,” says Green.
Pay attention to cognitive changes.
Forgetfulness and even grasping for words are a common part of aging. When an older adult realizes they are experiencing memory issues, that can be a good sign; individuals developing dementia or Alzheimer’s disease are often unaware that changes are taking place.
So, when are cognitive changes truly a cause for concern? If your mother or father is having memory changes that impact daily living and functioning, it may be time to seek support. Keep in mind that cognition is impacted by many things, including mental health issues such as anxiety or depression — so be sure to consult with your parent’s physician about what you’re observing.
Most cognitive testing can be handled in a primary care office as part of the annual wellness visit. Your parent’s doctor can provide a referral for formal testing with a geriatric neurologist if needed.
Prepare for the big changes.
Driving is a complex task that involves cognitive and physical functions, fine motor skills and visual awareness. As many people age, they experience a decline in these areas, making driving unsafe for them and for others on the road.
The age to stop driving is something many senior adults and their children grapple with. If you’re starting to worry about your parent’s driving, Green recommends asking yourself these questions:
- Do I feel safe in the passenger seat when my parent is behind the wheel?
- Do they often need a “co-pilot” while driving?
- Have they had a few fender benders?
When a parent’s driving needs to be addressed, be sure to offer solutions — grocery delivery, ride share services, rides from family and friends. If you’re struggling to broach the issue, consider talking to your parent’s doctor. Many physicians discuss driving safety as a regular part of wellness visits. You can also contact your Area Agency on Aging (AAA) for resources.
Another situation many families face is whether to move older parents to assisted living or a nursing home, depending on the level of help they require. This can be an especially contentious subject, and adult children should expect resistance. A sense of home is very important to most people, so giving up a familiar space will feel like a significant loss to your parents. However, accepting the need to move to an assisted living community may empower them to hold on to their independence in other ways.
Accommodations and renovations may help some seniors stay in their current house. For example, you could add grab bars to their shower wall and level out step-down rooms.
“Support your parents aging in place by being proactive about home safety, fall prevention and additional caregiving when needed,” says Green. “Share with them that the willingness to accept help may be the price they pay for being able to continue to live in their home.”
In all of these life changes, there is no set path. Just try to be present for your parent and offer support at each step.
Have compassion for your parent and for yourself.
Caring for your parents in their older years can be challenging but also very rewarding. Throughout the process, it’s important to be patient and sympathetic to what your parent is experiencing.
“Many of my elderly patients carry a great deal of angst about having to depend on their adult children for support,” Green shares. “I remind them that just as they made sacrifices to care for their children, life creates opportunities for their adult children to return the favor and care for them.”
Make sure you take time to care for yourself as well. And remember that you’re not alone. Talk to friends and loved ones, join a support group or seek out therapy to help manage stress. If you have any concerns about your parent’s health or overall well-being, don’t hesitate to contact their doctor.
Find a doctor with Baylor Scott & White today.
Physicians provide clinical services as members of the medical staff at one of Baylor Scott & White Health’s subsidiary, community or affiliated medical centers and do not provide clinical services as employees or agents of those medical centers or Baylor Scott & White Health.